Sweaty, Inconsiderate, Offensive, Effeminate

...or "Things that Bother Me at the Gym".

Of late I've gotten off my lazy ass, and begun somewhat of a fitness regimen. Now, I use "lazy ass" somewhat relatively. I wouldn't categorize myself (past or present) as your stereotypical EMS Provider. I'm sure my readership (all 2 of you) will agree, that [Providers/Professionals/Employees/Workers] of Emergency Services [Public Safety] , in general aren't always in tip-top, peak, physical condition.

Conversely, I am not a Gym Rat. I don't work at the gym, I don't spend half my life at the gym, I don't receive my cable bill at the gym. Everything in moderation. Some of those freaks need a social life, or a hobby that doesn't involve rosin, full-length mirrors, and Bosu balance balls. But I digress. The following is a list of things that irk me at places of fitness, in no particular order.

Mandex. Pretty much self-explanatory. Chances are, if it was ridiculed 5, 10, 15, even 20 years ago, it's probably still a No-Go. Don't get it twisted, just because UnderArmour and similar product lines are all the rage, doesn't mean your lower half needs to be wrapped in painted on synthetics. Unless you're in contention for the Tour de France, involved in some sort of aquatics, or are an up-and-coming Luchador, leave the Lycra to the Ice Capades. Even if you participate in an activity where form-fitting clothing is appropriate (i.e. Triathlon, Greco-Roman Wrestling), it still does not belong in a gym. Sorry Mr. Unitard, but if you can buy your gym clothes at the same store that sells a man-sized Mr. Incredible costume, there's been some sort of disconnect. Hell, even Richard Simmons had enough common sense to wear man-panties to cover up the unsightly protuberance of his grapes.

For a moment, let's remain on the subject of the jewels. It's warm in the gym, you're going to get hot, and perspire. Your Boys are probably going to descend a bit lower than normal in an effort to keep your swimmers at the appropriate temperature. Please keep that in mind when making your apparel selection ante-workout, or when pondering whether "today is a good day to go Commando". I believe I speak for everyone when I state we'd rather not see your knackers pasted to your left leg in the middle of a workout. Find out where Spandex Guy bought his mantyhose and wear some support under your daisy dukes. Thank you muchly.


In MY society, where we shower regularly, cologne and perfume are purchased with two people in mind. The person who is wearing it, and the person They are trying to impress. Maybe some folks are trying to impress people at the gym, or trying to pick someone up, but the over-powering cologne is nauseating. In any setting it's inappropriate, but a gym should smell like sweat, disinfectant, rubber, and metal. Hey, Davidoff, it's a place of fitness, not the goddamn center aisle at JC Penney. Your eau de toilette is awful, tactless, and inconsiderate. And as far as the hottie on the elliptical is concerned, you'd be better off with chloroform. P.S., Let me know how that hair gel works out IF you manage to break a sweat.


Proceeding in the vein of attempting to impress folks, STOP Posing. STOP Strutting. You might look good. You might not. Yay! There're lots of mirrors. I understand that two large groups of people that frequent gyms are the insecure and the overconfident. EVERYONE wants to see their improvements, and their hardwork paying off. I don't hold that against you. Regardless, striking Mr. Olympia poses in the mirrors, or pacing laps across the gym while strutting like a peacock is obnoxious. Chances are, if people ARE looking at you, they will snicker, and make snide remarks. If that's what you're going for, drive on.

If YOU are the person who's attention has been captured, don't gawk. It's infinitely more sketchy to stare at someone at a Gym than it is at the mall. Seriously, people are half dressed, sweaty, and more vulnerable. You're are the very reason Curves, and other Female-Only gyms have opened.

Everything you need to know, you learned in Kindergarten. If you use something, put it back where you found it. It's not that difficult to place things in their proper place. Why is it that as soon as people enter a Gym they become Anal-expulsive? It seems like every weight rack has an odd number of each measurement, and there are weights randomly strewn about, in places they don't belong. I shouldn't have to go to the Spinning room to find a plate, nor should you have the curl bar in the pilates area. And quit leaving equipment on the floor.

Adam Sandler throw-back, you know, before he started doing romantic comedy. "Having Sex, or lifting weights?" Quit making so much damn noise during your workout. Grunting out the LAST rep in order to avoid moving your bowels is forgivable. After all, I wouldn't want you to soil those sweet control tops. But groaning and grunting on every repetition is not ok. It sounds like a tennis match in a roman bath house.

That's all for now.

Emergency Medical Slobs

You've all seen them. Shirt unbuttoned, t-shirt stretched out with the lapel mic, mustard stains, boots [un-tied, unzipped, un-laced], unshaven, unbathed...the list goes on.

Sometimes you'll see them in line at the Dunkin' Donuts. Sometimes at the ED charge desk. Sometimes sitting on the diamond plate of their [emergency response vehicle], smoking a cigarette. Looking like dogshit.

There is not a valid excuse that any of you creative writers could come up with for these people looking the way they do. I don't give a damn if they're on the back-slope of a 48 hour shift, I don't care if they just worked a code for 48 minutes, I don't care if the ambient temperature is 127 degrees Fahrenheit, and it's even hotter in the back of the [emergency response vehicle].

Don't get me wrong, if you're on scene for a prolonged extrication, I understand if your shirt comes untucked. I won't hold it against you if you're actively doing push-ups on the 350lb, 3 decker carry-down code, and you look a little 'tousled". If it's late one prom night, and you just got painted with the baked ziti and rubber chicken, mixed with a little Mike's Hard Lemonade and bottom shelf tequila, I understand.

But that's not the case.

At 0715 the other morning, I witnessed your stereotypical stretcher-slinging mule. I use derogatory terms to refer to this individual because that's the image they conveyed. Individual weighed in at a modest 300lbs. Shirt untucked, unbuttoned. Pants wrinkled, no belt, and dipping below the waistline. There is no reason to look like this coming out of Dunkin' Donuts at 0715. I know full-well that this particular [emergency vehicle] was going to a local post/detail assignment. Anyone wanna chime in with some possible reasons for looking like that?

I take pride in my appearance. It's how I was brought up. It's my background. It's one of my calling cards. There are times where I look a little disheveled, but only in the middle of a call.

-If you have time to light a cigarette, you have time to tuck your shirt in.
-Unbuttoned shirts DO NOT have a slimming effect, lardass.
-Wear a belt. There is nothing professional about plumber's crack, or a drag-chute.
-Laces and zippers are devices to fasten footwear to your feet, use them. If they're broken, replace them.
-You don't HAVE to shine your boots, but at least attempt to maintain their intended color. Scuffed up boots don't make you "salty", "experienced", or "old school".
-Your shirtfront is not a napkin.
-If you have holes in any part of your uniform, replace that component.
-T-Shirts stretch. Do not hang things from the neck of your t-shirt. No one wants to see your nipples through your neck hole.

Every single EMT or Paramedic has heard co-workers lambast (verbally of course) "newbies", "wackers", and "sparkies" for trying too hard to "look the part". They ridicule Bat-Belts, wacker pouches, and the habit of carrying too much gear. However, never has an over-enthusiastic trainee detracted from our professional image simply because they have 2 sets of trauma shears (...and a flashlight, and a rappeling harness, and a gas-mask...but I digress). It's not often enough that a fellow EMS worker makes a comment, pulls aside, or outright embarasses someone for looking like Roseanne's husband Dan in an EMS uniform.

But you're right. Calling the [emergency response vehicle] by a slang term is what truly detracts from our professional image. After all, REAL bus drivers would never look this sloppy.

David Bowers wrote an article back in '05, just saying.

Blocks, big mouths, big livers, big problems

Hey, Dude, MOVE.

Ambulance Driver does a nice job breaking down AV Blocks in terms anyone with a pulse can understand.

Rogue Medic is right on with this Rant. Hell yeah.

Woman lie, apparently size does matter. Only after they both went their separate ways and spread their Hep C, though. Bravo.

I'm no mathematician, but this seems moderately problematic.

WTF? Is this for real? I can only hope that site is designed as a trap for such criminals. Debunked x2 via Snopes. Whatev.